Roll up! Roll up! The circus that is ‘Miami Music Week’ (built annually around the Winter Music Conference (WMC) and Ultra Music Festival (UMF) is nearly back in town and is all set to be as big, bold and brassy as 2014 – if not, even more so.
Which begs the question – how on earth are you going to navigate several days (and nights) of relentless partying, let alone pick the right events from literally hundreds? This year, the 30th anniversary WMC takes place 24-28 March whilst UMF runs 27-29 March; and there are countless independent parties either side of these key dates.
But we haven’t finished.... How, also, are you going to navigate inadequate diet, skin-frying sunshine and feelings of inadequacy as flocks of ‘beautiful people’ land on the Florida peninsula for one of dance music’s most unique and memorable celebrations? Defected’s Miami survival guide below will hopefully guarantee all the fun of the fair without any aimless clowning around. All in 10 simple steps....
1). Plan now, Party Later....
Miami is still a month away, so now’s the perfect time to work out which parties you want to hit and frolic outrageously at, and make the necessary arrangements. Let’s be honest, you’re not going to be in any fit state once on Miami’s sandy terra firma, so put the effort in now – our recent preview is a good place to start.
Other small, but important planning-type things to consider? Pack a mobile phone charger before getting seriously stung buying one at the airport – you’ll want to stay connected when you’re in the field. New flip-flops? Good, good...but remember to break those bad boys in now rather than at the club – blister-fuelled grimaces on the dancefloor aren’t a great look. Oh, and earplugs.... Trust us – there will be tiny windows of opportunity for sleep and earplugs should cut the raucous Miami soundtrack at those crucial moments. If you’re with your loud-ass mates (you will be) then earplugs back at the crash pad could prove vital!
2). The Tenaglia Test
If anyone best sums up the mantra that Miami is a marathon, not a sprint, then it’s legendary house DJ-producer Danny Tenaglia. Mr T’s 12-hour (it may be 48?) Miami sets are local folklore – one of clubland’s most incredible experiences but, as such, don’t forget your toothbrush, deodorant and, quite possibly, a change of pants. You’re in for the long haul.
Tenaglia hasn’t actually confirmed his plans for Miami 2015 yet but, rest assured, he’ll be there (he’s also been nominated for a couple of International Dance Music Awards (IDMAs)). Looking further ahead, next year is the big man’s own Miami 30th – famously he missed the very first WMC in 1985, starting his long and famous association with the gathering the following spring.
3). Beware The Bats!
Carry a bat repeller at all times to avoid acute Troxler-fication. Please note – the average electronic repeller (which basically screws with the bat’s echolocation) is a fairly hefty piece of kit, so you may need to ask your nearest DJ nicely if they’ll plug it into their system. Interested? – check out this site.
4). Buy A Helmet (And Some Wet Wipes)
Where Steve Aoki dwells, tread carefully. Mr Aoki’s stage dive and cake-flinging antics are infamous – if he doesn’t flatten you in the crowd at Ultra (helmet) then he’ll more than likely shape you a new face from gateau (wet wipes). It’s not just Aoki either. Fellow EDM kingpin Afrojack fell off the stage at last year’s Dim Mak Miami Beach Party whilst drenching fans in copious amounts of champagne. Cake, fizz, crazy DJs...there will be casualties soldier.
Alternatively, give the overblown EDM shows a miss entirely and go and listen to some proper music.
5). The word on drugs...
According to a study of drug use among Ultra attendees last year, 80% of those blood or urine-tested flagged as positive for recent designer drug consumption. The research, conducted by researchers for the Pennsylvania-based Center For Forensic Science Research & Education, was not undertaken to determine how many Ultra revellers were on drugs, but to better understand “some of the newly emerging and potentially dangerous new drugs popular in the [electronic dance music] community”. Of the 104 urine samples collected, more than 80 percent tested positive for a synthetic drug. Psychoactive substances Molly and Alpha-PVP were the most commons finds; the latter a synthetic bath salt (otherwise known as ‘Gravel’) which tragically killed 21-year-old Ultra attendee Adonis Peña Escoto last year.
The punch-line here is – as always – to party fully but responsibly. Miami is a magnet for all kinds of new things and not all are what they seem....
6). Buy A Bird Suit!
It’s the Year of the Bird! Claude VonStroke’s Dirtybird crew is a major component of this March’s Miami festivities, being that they’re nominated for a whopping seven IDMAs and will then host Miami’s main closing party at Steam (which also doubles as the Dirtybird label’s mega 10th anniversary bash). Want to guarantee your place at one of Miami 2015’s finest tables? Well, a bird suit won’t hurt your chances. VonStroke has several and once famously kitted out the entire Dirtybird crew with them at Bestival. Dress to impress, as they say; just avoid the BBQ – the guys are partial to a little flame-grilled chicken....
7). Dress To Impress
Bird suits will only get you so far. This is Miami, remember, where the beautiful people bronze and swagger, so ensure you’re set for the entire week with studiously selected pool and evening outfits, smartly applied pre-tan and, for the particularly self-conscious, an early March diet and exercise blitz. You’ll feel better, trust us.
8). Talking of Tans....
In the immortal words of Aussie film director Baz Luhrmann: “If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.”
We do actually have one or two more tips under this section - make sure you eat, and drink plenty of water! What did we say earlier? Were you paying attention? Let us recap - Miami is a marathon, not a sprint, so pace yourselves people.
9). Long Live The Kings!
Attending Louie Vega, Tony Humphries and David Morales’ annual 3 Kings Of House showcase (23 March, National Hotel) has to be a must. You’ll have a better, more meaningful Miami experience if you understand the soulful roots of the music that first inspired it all. The 3 Kings, of course, mix old with infectious new – history lessons can be bags of fun....
10). Control The Cash
Cynical as it sounds, trust no-one. Some of the smaller ‘fly by’ promoters will combine extortionate door entry and bar prices with mediocre entertainment, lax security and poor organisation. This equals a shit night out. Meanwhile ignore anyone offering you a cue-jump for cash because it’s almost certainly a scam. You should ignore taxi rides, too. You won’t get anywhere quickly owing to heightened traffic levels during Miami Week, except the ATM because you’re suddenly out of notes. On ATMs, be prepared for international withdrawal fees – you may wish to organise currency before you travel. Effective, happy partying requires robust funding.
A few final words of wisdom....
Make no mistake Miami is hardcore but, ultimately, success stems for simply having fun. Guti says it best: “I am kind of an expert on long parties now with the years. I’ve got my system – while you’re having fun you will survive and if you are not having fun you should go to sleep. If you are having fun, stay at the party; if you are not then from then on it will just be bad – everything bad will happen to you.”
So there you have it – stay calm and have fun!!
Words: Ben Lovett
Defected presents Most Rated Miami 2015 is out now - order from iTunes
